“I want to be with a man” she said “not with a woman”.
I don't know if that had hurt me or had I felt an empathy for her. I understand what she felt.
But that was a long time ago.
“Hi! How are you?”
“Fine” I said, a little surprised hearing her voice.
“And you?”
“Fine, fine! It's been a long time... Shall we meet?”
I thought for a while, was I ready to meet her?
“Sure” I said without thinking.
“Do you want to go shopping with me, tomorrow?
There’s a sale on at Mango, we could get some lunch after that”
I want to know all about you"
I agreed.
I was scared.
I had a lot of mixed feelings.
Did I want to do this?
Should I go dressed as Malika or should I just go in ‘the drab’?
I didn’t sleep very well that night but the next morning I woke up feeling nice. I had to go through this.
I had a shower and went to the salon. I got my hair blow dried, I got my nails painted.
The girls in the salon were always very nice. Some of the clients smiled, said hello, some looked away or looked shocked. The salon girls always made me feel at home. I told Sheila that I was going to meet my ex. She smiled and held my hand and pressed it tight. She said nothing but I felt that she had transferred her strenght to me. This is something I had never felt with my male friends... this was how women were with each other, a sort of silent sorority, a humaness so absent in the male world.
I came back to my flat and looked at my wardrobe. I tried many of my outfits. Skirt? Dress? Jeans? Dressy? Casual?
It had to be right.
I finally choose a flared beige flowery chiffon skirt, , brown sleeve-less top, my knee high boots. I did my make-up, light and simple. Just a little blush-on, some black eyeliner and caramel lipstick.
Little dangling earings with garnets, a thin chain with a garnet pendant.
I looked at myself in mirror. I liked what I saw. I put on my coat, tied a silk scarf round my neck and picked up my brown leather purse. I slung it up over my shoulder.
Dabbed Kenzo flower, behind my ears, on my wrists, a little here and there.
My heart skipped a beat… I wanted to call her up and say that I had changed my mind…
Then things moved fast... the bus... the walk...
I waited for her outside the shop… There was a huge crowd of women. Some of them looked at me, some smiled nicely, knowingly, others giggled. I always wondered what went on in their minds when they saw me.
Then I saw her coming. She had a huge smile on her face.
“ Hello, Madam!” she said.
We hugged. Then she moved away to look at me.
It seemed like eternity.
She smiled "Wow! You look very cute".
She took my hand in hers and led me inside the shop
"Come on, girl ! Lets have fun" She winked
Lynn and me sat in a salad bar. All that shopping had made us thirsty and hungry.
The young waiter came up to us.
“What should I get you ladies?”
She started to giggle. The waiter looked at me and then to her. He looked a little confused.
He took our orders and went away.
“Cute, isn’t he?” She winked.
We heartily ate our salads and drank our juice.
We had so many things to say to each other. So much time had passed by. She told me about her life and about her new man.
“Do you want to see his picture?”
I said “Sure!”
She opened her purse and showed me a picture of them. They were locked in each other’s arms, smiling. He looked handsome, he was tall, quite well built and had a nice smile. She looked ravishing, happy.
“What do you think of him?” she broke the silence.
I looked up at her and smiled.
“You look nice together”
She held my hand and pressed it slightly.
“He is quite a dish!” I giggled.
“Hey! Don’t you look at him that way!” she said jokingly.
We laughed.
I felt content that she had found happiness again. I had not been able to give her all that she had desired. I hadn’t been ‘man’ enough and right now I wasn’t looking or feeling anything close to it.
Surprisingly, I didn’t feel jealous or sad. I had imagined that I would have felt differently. But somewhere I liked this new equation. We were friends, girlfriends.
We left the place and walked on the street. I had forgotten the anxiety I had experienced before. I was comfortable, comfortable in my skirt, comfortable in my high heels, comfortable to have my purse on my shoulder which gave me some strange support.
She asked me if I wouldn’t mind if she took a picture of us. She asked a passer-by to take one.
She then looked at her wristwatch.
“Oh my god! I’m late. I didn’t realise the time.”
I suddenly felt sad. I wanted to be with her, I wanted to be with my friend.
She must have seen that on my face. She looked at me and then held my hands.
“What are you going to do now?” she said.
“Nothing! Nothing at all”.
“Do you want to come to my place for dinner? I have a few friends over”.
I was surprised.
“Wow! Dressed like this?” I queried.
“Why not? You look absolutely gorgeous.
Then you can always change, you have your shopping”
“But… What about your boyfriend? Won’t he mind?”
“NO! I’ll ask him but there’s no problem, I can assure you. He is very cool!”
Cool sure, but I was a man, her ex, dressed as a woman. A tranny, a drag queen! I wasn’t sure that I had the guts to face him or the others.
“Come on, Malika! It’s alright. Nobody has a problem with it… except you”.
I looked at her and then at the world around me. No one really seemed to care. Everyone was going about their own lives, with their own problems. Once in a while if someone did look at me curiously, they would continue on their way.
I nodded.
“Yay!” she screamed.
“Let’s go” she took my hand and I before I knew it I was swept into a new experience.
I walked with her, the light breeze blowing in my face.
We reached her apartment which was quite nice. She showed me around. It was very tastefully decorated. I remembered when we had moved in together. I recognised the style as if I had been there before, but except for the reminders that there was someone else there too, the presence of a man.
She threw her hands up in the air,
“Phew! Men” she said and giggled.
She started to pick up some clothes and socks that lay on the floor beside the couch.
She looked at me as she folded the clothes she had picked up.
“You weren’t like this; you were so neat and proper. I would often say that I was lucky .”
“But then now I know why… Madam” she mocked.
That’s not fair I said all men are not like that.
“Ohhh! So madam knows a lot about men, I see”.
We laughed and laughed.
Somehow now we could talk about things that we had never managed to talk before. So was it because for her I no longer was considered as a person of the opposite sex? Was she treating me like a woman treats another?
I often wondered how women saw people like me, were we still men or were we women or were we some kind of sexless in betweens. Like the harem eunuchs in the old days?
So is masculinity just a question of desiring women? Thus giving rise to a certain tension between the two sexes. A strong power politics that both naturally play?
So once that tension or the threat removed, one moved into a privileged position of being confidantes and ladies in waiting.
Well, frankly I did not feel out of place.
She called her boyfriend and spoke to him for a long time. I sat there trying to grab a word or two of the conversation, nervous that I may get rejected.
I leafed through a few magazines trying to concentrate on Angelina Jolie’s new baby, the new mascara that gives you extra, extra long lashes and Eva Longoria’s lovely blue chiffon dress.
She came back and looked at me.
“Come! Will you help me get everything ready?”
I looked at her questioningly.
“He’s okay with it, he has no problems”
She turned around and walked away towards the kitchen saying
“Come on, girl, there are things to do”
We cooked and cleaned together. She asked me about my life or as she said my ‘new’ life and how I was coping with it.
“So, tell me, any guys on the scene?”
I said no, that I was sure about that part of my life and that I was happy living alone for the moment. She smiled “Promise me just one thing”
“What?”
“I’ll be the first to know okay! You have to call me right after.”
She jokingly came towards me, menacing me with her hands.
“You’ll tell me all the gory details. Promise! I want to know all.”
I promised her, but said that it wouldn’t be the case and that would live my life alone.
She told me that I didn’t deserve that and that everybody had the right to be happy.
The door bell rang. I froze, my knees knocking in fright. She looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile.
I continued to busy myself, washing the dishes. I hoped that everything would be nice. I just did not want to feel humiliated. And then I thought why should I feel that way? I was what I was and I decided that if there was even a slight uncomfortable feeling, I would pick up my purse and leave. I would be the lady I loved to be.
I heard voices but they sounded female. I started to dry the dishes, my heart was beating even faster.
And then they came into the kitchen.
“Look who’s here?”
I turned to look. He wasn’t there but here best girlfriend Louisa, was standing there. I hadn’t seen her since the break-up. She was someone I would meet very often.
“OHHH MYYY GODD!” She exclaimed. “I don’t believe it. Just look at you! WOW!”
I stood there looking towards them, my hands fiddling with my apron.
“Ohh! Let me look at you!”
She came up to me and looked me all over.
“Wow! Unbelievable, you’ve got it all right down to every detail. My, my! A real chick!”
She couldn’t take her eyes of me.
“Just look at him… sorry her, My god! Aunty has been hiding all this while, who would have believed it”
“So how are you?” I said mustering up courage.
“Oh fine darling, very fine!” she smiled.
“And you? Tell me about you, Sweety!
I have been hearing a lot about you but it’s something else to see you like this.
Your so sweet, Malika isn't it?”
"Yes! I'm Malika! I'm happy to see you" I said with all the guts I could muster.
She then came forward and hugged me.
“I’m so happy to see you too, after such a long time” she said.
I hugged her too reminded of all those years that I had known her.
Tears rushed into my eyes.
She put her arm around my waist.
Lynn looked at us. "Ok ladies! Would you like some tea?
and then we can show Louisa our shopping!".
"Yipeee!
...and then I have a secret to tell you girls!" said Louisa.
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